Speaking up for your partner and supporting their decisions during labour

This page is for all birth partners.  An important part of a birth partner's role is supporting the woman or birthing person with decisions and making sure their needs and wishes are heard and respected by their midwives and doctors.  

On this page:

Support with decisions before labour 

Support with decisions and speaking up during labour

Looking after yourself as a birth partner

Support with decisions before labour

There are lots of decisions to make when it comes to labour and birth. Some may feel simple. For others, your partner may need to weigh up the risks and benefits of different options for them and for their baby. You can help them do this.

• Support choice. It is their choice what happens and when. They should give their informed consent to anything that doctors or midwives want to do. Sometimes women and birthing people can feel as if they are put under pressure to make a certain decision. You can help by reminding them it is always their choice. You might find it helpful to look at our information on understanding risks and benefits when making decisions in pregnancy.
• Do your research. They may want to talk things through and ask for your opinion. Find out as much as you can about their options, including any risks and benefits. The more you know, the better you’ll be able to help them with decisions. You may find it helpful to talk to people who have been a birth partner before or read about real stories of different kinds of births.
• Make a plan B and C. Make sure you know what their birth plan says. Or they may want to make it with you. Talk about what they want to happen if things don’t go to plan  – and how they will tell you this. Having a plan B and a plan C can help you both feel more in control, whatever happens.  
• Listen to their concerns. You will be able to offer better support in labour if you understand any fears or worries they have about giving birth.
• Don’t let your ego get in the way. They may want other people at the birth, for example a doula or another family member. You may find this difficult, especially if you are the other parent. Remember, they are unlikely to be there to replace you. Extra people will give you more space to support the women or birthing person in the way they want you to.

Your rights

Even if they are having your baby, you do not have any legal rights to make decisions about how or where they give birth. You can talk to them about their options and help them to understand their situation, but only they can make these decisions about their body. It’s important to respect their decisions and support them, even if you do not agree with them.  

Support with decisions and speaking up during labour

The woman or birthing person may need to make some decisions during labour, with the support of their maternity team. They will probably need support and reassurance.

Five X More campaigns for better maternal health outcomes for Black women and birthing people in the UK. They have some useful tips to help you support and advocate for your partner during labour.

Support with making decisions

They may want you to help them make decisions, or simply give them support while they discuss their options.  

It might be hard for them to take in new information if they are tired, anxious or in pain. You can ask questions and listen carefully when the midwife or doctor explains things. You could also take notes so that you can help to explain or repeat things later.

'Having my husband by my side during induction was incredibly comforting. He was not allowed to stay with me the whole time which was a bit stressful. But his unwavering support and encouragement helped me stay grounded and focused'- Shruti  

Speaking up for your partner

Your support could be particularly helpful if they are getting overwhelmed or feeling under pressure to choose a certain way forward,

You know their wishes, fears, worries and past experiences better than doctors or midwives. It may be up to you to ask for explanations and speak up. Listen carefully to what they are saying during labour, and make sure their needs are heard.

If you do not feel the woman or birthing person is being listened to properly, you may want to ask to talk to a senior midwife or a consultant, if they are available.  

You may find it helpful to look at our information on talking to your doctor or midwife about induction. This has a list of useful questions that can be adjusted to talk about a range of situations.

Being flexible and supportive

They could change their mind about their labour or birth, even if there’s no medical reason. They may have been certain about their birth plan before but choose something different on the day.  

For example, they may have wanted a drug-free birth, but decide during labour that they want an epidural. It’s okay to remind them of what they had originally said but you also need to be flexible. They get to decide what feels right for them at the time.  

This can make it difficult for you. Some couples or birth partners find it helpful to come up with a plan beforehand to help the women or birthing person let them know that they are overwhelmed or not coping.

‘I told my partner I don’t want an epidural. But I will probably scream for it in the moment. But unless I ask for it 10 times, I don’t really want it. If I ask 10 times while I am labouring, then give it to me’.

Mia

Looking after yourself as a birth partner

Supporting your partner in labour is not easy. You need to look after yourself too. Make sure you are fed, have drinks and are comfortable and that you know who you can contact for support if you are finding things difficult.

You may feel more in control if you know what is happening, and what might happen next. Learning about the different ways of giving birth, including the medical terms you might hear, can help you feel more prepared and more able offer support when needed.

It’s common for birth partners to feel as if there is not much they can to do help during labour. Just being present and there with them as they go through labour is one of the most important things you can do.

Some female partners and surrogate parents have told us they don’t feel as if they are taken seriously during labour. Others have talked about being  shut out of the birth room by hospital staff who do not understand their relationship to the birthing person and their baby. It may help to ask staff beforehand and talk to them about any concerns.

Find out more about ways to support your partner during labour and birth.